love and loss

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead,

adele sings. sometimes, tho, it does both.

love starts very early, very quietly. even before you’ve even realised you are in it, you are, and deeply so. and sometimes then, when you finally realise how much love you already feel and how big a part of your heart will forever be attached to another heart, this other heart will stop beating & leave you in utter shock.

but it lasts in love. it always will.
the hurt, however, lasts, too.

i will never forget the pain of realising that something died inside of me.
my body was fighting to keep it alive, with every fibre, albeit knowing, it had already lost its battle, not yet ready to give in & sending signals of distress, of sad surrender. no part of my body did understand. how should it. you fight for what you love.

after the shock, reason takes over until it’s fake stakes crumble and you give in to the overwhelming sadness. it is a lonely feeling. not because no one cares, but because you miss someone your heart is still fighting for. i wish i had the chance to say goodbye properly, by saying hello first. it had to go without a touch of its mom & dads hands, without a kiss, without a warning. no one should go alone. i am glad it was surrounded by warmth and love inside of me when its little heart stopped beating. still, i wish, it did not have to (really) go the way it had to. without me.

i will never forget you, my heart.

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